October 25, 2013

Change your Mindset

I was feeling distraught last night. It was midnight but I couldn't fall asleep. I laid there, crying, thinking of all the things I wish were different in my life. A lot of things were running through my head--conversations, relationships, material things. Negativity was creeping in. It was getting the best of me.I was feeling so hopeless. I was feeling so unhappy that I went out at 1 AM to get some donuts, and finally fell asleep around two o'clock.

I am not depressed. 
I can still smile at pretty things. 
And laugh when jokes are funny.
I can still talk to people.
And enjoy nice days.

But when I go inside,
When I am alone,
there is something broken.
And I fall into a sadness so sweet
That it engulfs me.
I look in the mirror.
And I don't like what I see.
And the tears always fall 
When I'm falling asleep.
And I miss something,
That doesn't exist.

I am not depressed.
I've just been sad for awhile.
But I can still find the light.
I can still smile.
~ Amelie Pascual

It might have been the ride to the store, or the ride back home. Who knows. No matter. It opened my eyes. I came to the realization that I am on denial. I kept trying to blog about being happy, though the words won't easily come to me.

I've preached about friends. I blamed it on being a mommy. "Oh, being a new mom is keeping me so busy that I don't have time to do anything fun to blog about." I blamed it on not getting enough sleep. Too tired to do anything.  I blamed it on my new lifestyle. But none of them were really it.

The truth is, I have been feeling so sorry for myself. I've been feeling down because I have been letting things get to me. I have been letting unfortunate situations, and other people have control of my feelings, of my happiness. I have been blaming myself for the things that are happening to me.

Today, I am making a conscious decision--to intentionally search for my own happiness. I am changing the way I think about things. I will be positive. This is to gaining control of my own emotions again. This is for me. I am truly going to find happiness. Because I deserve it.

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